If you just finished reading part one of A Man’s Greatest Need, you know we’re going to be talking about the stages of sexual experience. And most men I know, would say, “What do you mean stages? I thought there was only one”. Let’s look at the stages that are important for a meaningful sexual experience.
The first stage is willingness. now for the husband, his willingness is usually motivated by his sexual desire. for the wife, it’s motivated by her emotional connection to him. Men seem to have a desire for sex often because of their relatively high levels of testosterone. Most wives would say that sex is almost all they ever think about. And many men would say they do have many thoughts daily. Women can also crave sex, but usually only once or twice a month.
I have often mentioned that a man is turned on by sight. That’s why, after almost no showing of affection to his wife, he can be ready for sex just watching her shower. And this often makes her feel unappreciated and only his sex toy. Women are willing to have sex with her husband as a means to show him her appreciation for him meeting her needs for affection. She is willing to meet his needs if she is expecting to enjoy a time of lovemaking and not just sex.
Arousal is the second stage. As I said earlier, men are turned on by sight. That’s why men are the ones who buy the magazines, calendars, videos, and spend time on their computers, looking at nude women. Men are like light switches; they can be turned off one second and turned on the next. Arousal comes easily and may happen many times a day. And while most of his responses are from visual responses, they can also come from daydreaming or night dreaming.
Women may often get upset when they notice their man looking at another woman. They need to understand that he is not being promiscuous or unfaithful. Often, he doesn’t realize it. But to this natural tendency, I also try to convince men to be sensitive to their wife’s and how they are feeling seeing his actions. I’ve also worked with women who don’t mind them looking because they are secure in their skin and know their husband wants them more than anyone else. So, know how each of you feel about looking at the opposite sex. Because this does go both ways. While women may enjoy looking at a nice male body, she is usually appreciating looking without getting aroused.
Some women do not understand men’s reactions to looking at women because her arousal usually does not come from visual stimulation. I have often counseled men that when they are getting out of the shower, it will probably do nothing to arouse their spouse. His arousal can be immediate while hers is more a conscious decision. If she wants to enjoy love making, she will encourage him to touch her in ways that lead to arousal. And she will be more responsive to intercourse when he has taken the time to bring her to arousal. If she is not sure what her body needs for arousal, he needs to be very caring and responsive to her request to have him help her learn. Don’t expect her to want and enjoy the same things you do. Take time to learn from each other. This time together is so much more than sex. It is a time of becoming one in so many ways.
The third stage is plateau and reaching this is also different for both men and women. Most men can reach this stage quickly and with little stimulation while a woman needs more stimulation. This is often a serious sexual problem for the couple. Men can come to climax too soon leaving the woman with needs going unmet. Although I have heard men lie about how many climaxes they can achieve in a short time, a women’s body is capable of enjoying many in a very short time. Men need to learn this, and they need to realize that bringing her to climax first, does not mean she cannot achieve it again immediately. A sensitive man, caring for his wife’s needs, will make sure her needs are met before his if that is what is needed. And if this remains a problem in the relationship, find a counselor that can help explain in more detail. Or read a good book on the subject. His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, is one such book.
The fourth stage is the climax. While most would consider this the ultimate goal for both partners, it doesn’t always turn out that way. Anxiety is often associated with this stage because one of the persons may have performance fear. Pleasure should be the outcome of the sexual relation, and not performance. Too often, a spouse may have heard the other person talk about previous partners and experiences and they do not believe they can live up to the other persons skills. And one of the partners may only want to please the other, making the other wonder if they are not good enough to perform. This is where true communication must take place. Before you begin the lovemaking, talk about what you are wanting in the outcome. A good sexual relationship will make sure that each have enjoyed the time together.
And recovery is the final stage. Too often this stage is skipped or never known to be a stage. I have heard from women that the husband either falls to sleep almost immediately or they go back to their tv or computer games.
This is a time for both partners to enjoy being in each other’s arms, sharing how much the time together meant to them. Maybe talking about something they are looking forward to, or just being silent. It’s an important time of affection for the female.
Learn what your spouse’s needs are and then meet them the way they need to have them met.
By J Douglas