Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don’t have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium whether birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to a 6:00 o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Do it and die.”
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing… and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?