I’m going to show you how to build an intimate relationship with each other that will actually continue to increase year after year. For the guys reading this, I’m not talking just about intimate sexual relationships, although that will be discussed in future podcast. I’m talking about a relationship where you really get to know one another and to be known and accepted for who you are. The kind of relationship that involves honesty, trust, respect and open communication. Love is a foundation of all relationships. We were meant to be in relationships with others. The Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. Now think about that for just a moment, God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. We were made in their image. That means we were made in the image of a perfect relationship. We are relational to the core of our being. Jesus said that very well when he was asked what the greatest commandment is. He said to love the Lord Your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength and then he said the second is like this you are to love one another. The need to love and to be loved is a foundation of all relationships. Let’s talk about your love bank. In your love bank, you have an account for everybody that you come into contact with. And in this love bank, it’s just like, I guess, most people’s bank accounts. You have deposits and you have withdrawals. And of course, each deposit, each withdrawal is usually different. Sometimes higher, sometimes lower but we still make deposits and withdrawals. So, let’s see how this works. You have a friend in your life and the two of you seem to enjoy the same activities. You’d like to cheer for the same football team or basketball team or softball team. You just really enjoy one another and as you spend time together the account is getting deposits put into it. Before long that account could be pretty full without you even realizing it and you also realize, with somebody with that kind of an account, you would do about anything for them. Now let’s look at the other extreme. You meet a new person and you’re not real sure about them, so you decide to give them a chance but the more you spend time with each other the more you realize that there’s just no deposits being made at all. Why continue the account. Then there’s those accounts that have been pretty full at one time, but it seems withdrawals have been slowly taking place over time. One of times this happens is in a marriage. Everything goes great for the first few years and then something takes place in the marriage. Let’s say a child comes into the marriage which both people were looking forward to. But suddenly the child is creating more demands on each other’s time. The child needs the parents care and sometimes one parent expects the other one to do more of the care giving than expected and what’s happening over time is small withdrawals taking place toward that other person and so again that’s just one of the other accounts we’re talking about. Now let’s just look at a scenario let’s talk about John and Mary. When John and Mary met, they got along pretty well pretty quickly and as they continued to date and spend time with each other, the more and more deposits were being put in to their love bank. They made plans to get married and they had what would be considered probably the perfect wedding. Now, let me add something here that I honestly believe most people are unaware of. I’ve discovered it as I’ve worked with thousands of couples. I find it amazing when you’re dating, you’re going by programming that’s in your mind as to what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating now who knows where the programming comes from and who knows whether it’s right or wrong. It’s just what we have, it’s what we do, and it seems to work. The other person seems to enjoy the way we believe dating should go and then we get married. Now the thing about the marriage programming, it could be so much different than the dating programming. I’ve had so many women come in and say I don’t understand. When we were dating, he loved spending time with me. He would buy me flowers or bring me gifts. It was just so amazing, our times together but now that we’re married, he forgets my birthday, he forgets our anniversary, there’s no gifts, there’s no going out to eat. He seems to forget all those things and that’s just not the guy I married. What happened? Well, what happened is, he started acting on all of his marriage programming and all of the dating programming disappeared. So where did the marriage programming come from? From parents, watching grandma or grandpa, watching television, watching his peers and this could also apply to women in their marriage programming. How did they expect the husband to treat them now that he was a husband? Was that based on the way dad treated mom or maybe she wanted the opposite of the way mom was treated by dad. So, there’s so many things here too that need to be looked at but we’ll get to those later. Now let’s get back to the scenario. A perfect marriage ceremony does not make a perfect marriage. I’ve literally had couples come back to me a week after the marriage and say they didn’t want to be married. At the reception, the new father-in-law got drunk and made a fool of himself and my husband did not stand up to him and defend me. Please remember that when you marry an individual, you often marry a family. Did John and Mary talk about future plans? Did they talk about children and how the responsibilities would be shared? Would the mother breast feed or would dad also be getting the bottle ready and feed the child? Did they talk about each other’s needs and how they needed them met? Did they ever think about how much they enjoyed being together when dating, which may not have been much time? Did they realize that when they were married, they would be together when they were feeling good and when they were feeling bad? What if the wife wants to go back to work a year after birth of the child or if she wants to finish college and work on a master’s degree? What if she decides she wants to be a full-time mother? What if the husband believes he has to be a workaholic and supporting his family is his top priority, leaving little time for his wife and family? What does that say to a wife and her need for affection and communication? What does a husband do when his wife is so busy working out of the home, then coming home and having to care for a child, keep the house clean and often be the one who has to cook, and she has no energy to meet his sexual needs? Where are the deposits that use to come freely with no thought? How has it seemed that a few withdrawals have now added up to be major? Is the account almost empty? And what happens when there is nothing left, and the account is closed? What happens when either one realizes that there is someone else in their life that has made more deposits in the love bank? Should you be concerned that your spouse may be tempted to have an affair if their needs are not being met? The answer is yes. So, let’s look at each other’s needs and how they need to be met so you can have an intimate relationship. If you commit yourself to meeting each other’s most important needs, you will have a greater relationship than you ever knew was possible. I know it’s true because I have seen it in couples, I have worked with, who came to me and said they had given up. After they learned their spouses needs and how to meet them, they found a happiness and joy they never thought could be true. By J Douglas (C)