Category: Relationships

At the end of the session titled, ‘Communication Dangers’, I said that we would be looking at a technique that would help you to develop strong communication.  The technique we’re going to be looking at is called the Speaker, Listener Technique. This is a technique that I learned from a book titled A Lasting Promise, written by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savannah McCain and Milt Bryan.  It is a structured communication skill that works to build understanding, promotes connection, and minimizes communication danger signs. This technique is often used during times of difficult situations. I have seen hundreds of couples that I’ve worked with use this technique and it really helps them from getting to the point of no communication at all. It helps couples to better talk about issues respectfully, and increases emotional safety, and it helps to maintain oneness. Good communication skills are at the heart of keeping a relationship strong and healthy. And what do I mean by good communication skills? I mean the ability to speak and listen well. To actually be able to express what you want the other person to understand and then to be able to receive what the other person has tried to say. Poorly handled conflicts create so many barriers to oneness in a relationship. If true communication is not taking place in a relationship, one or both of the individuals will want to give up. I’ve worked with so many couples where one of the individuals would say that they were just tired of trying to share how they felt about a situation because the other person just never cared to listen. And the other person would tell me that they were tired of listening to the same stuff all the time because when they tried to give a response, they were always told the response was wrong and they didn’t know what they were talking about. In James 1:19, we read, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Now that’s great advice, but I’m curious how you would define what it means to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Take a few minutes to write down your understanding of each phrase. After doing that, then write down your definition of Good Communication. Let’s look at some of the common responses to the ingredients of good communication. Use direct eye contact. Make sure you let the speaker complete their thought and the best way to do that is not butting in with your thoughts or opinions before they finish. Don’t give an insulting response. After listening, do not just get up and walk away, showing great disrespect. Communication really takes place when there’s both talking and listening. Each person needs to know that they were heard. Each person needs to know that it’s safe to actually say what they need to say. Communication is truly taking place when each person understands. what the other person says, and also has been able to give a response to what the other person has said. It’s important to remember in good communication that the speaker and the listener do not have to agree with each other in order to have good communication take place. You are wanting to have the other person hear you and understand why you feel the way you do. And always remember, you never have the right to tell them that they are wrong for feeling that way. Your responsibility is really to try and understand why they feel the way they do. Once you understand what you are working with, the better the chance that you can both work at finding an answer to how to respond to each other. Now go back and look at the 8 things that we just listed earlier that can help good communication. Discuss how you can implement these things when you find yourself in the heat of the moment in a difficult conversation. Do you believe it is possible? Well, get ready to learn that there is a way that it is possible. But before I tell you about what that is, let’s talk about rules for just a moment.  Rules! What do you mean rules in communication? Without rules, no healthy communication will take place. And I’m sure, you have already experienced that. Tough conversations will usually end up going directions that neither one of you may ever intend.  I’ve talked with so many couples about arguments that they had been involved in and what started them. And often they said, by the time we got to the end of it, we didn’t even remember what had started it. It was probably something so simple that it should never ended up where it ended up. But that’s what happened. So, let’s look at the rules.  The first set of rules are for the Speaker. Speak for yourself; don’t mind read. Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on. Stop to let the Listener paraphrase. Rules for the Listener Paraphrase what you hear. Focus on the Speaker’s message.  Don’t rebut. Rules for Both The Speaker has the floor. Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases. Share the floor. Remember, you are working together to make communication take place. In the remainder of this lesson, I want to help define the rules.  Then next time we get together, I will teach you how to apply the technique. For the Speaker, when you speak for yourself, you must learn to use “I “ statements.  You may plan to speak for yourself, but often in a difficult conversation, you end up accusing the other person, blaming them for your feelings or trying to mind read as if you really know what they’re thinking or what they meant last time they said something. And you’re not a mind reader.  Don’t ever speak for the other person.  They will have time to speak for themselves when they have the floor. And let’s take a minute to define the ‘floor’.  The two of you need to agree on what you want to use for the floor.  Because the ‘floor’ is an important part of helping you to remember who is the Speaker. Some people will use a small part of carpet, some use other items that they have decided to use such as a stuffed animal, a credit card or a 3×5 card.  I highly recommend that you do not use a piece of tile. It could end up being a weapon. To make sure you are using “I” statements, you need to talk about what you feel or think. Talk about how the situation affected you.  Try to always take the word “You” out of your vocabulary. Instead of saying, “I got mad because you…..”, It’s better to say, “When I heard the statement, I felt …..”. Here are some reasons why “I” statements make such a positive difference in your communication. They keep the Listener from feeling attacked, they keep the Speaker from mindreading, and they help keep communication specific. In keeping statements brief, it means that you will not dump your whole feelings at once.  Being brief means, spending about three to four minutes at the most, to start what you will be discussing. You will keep the ‘floor’ while the listener is paraphrasing.  Once they told you what they heard and it’s really not what you said, please let them know that you’re going to restate it again. Don’t tell them that they were stupid and didn’t hear what you were really saying.  Remember, you speak different languages and often what you say is not what the other person hears. In healthy communication, Speaking is just half of the process.  Now we will look at the Listener and how they can do their part. And in the Speaker Listener Technique, paraphrasing is an important skill that requires a thoughtful re-statement of the Speaker’s message. Paraphrasing is so much more than just hearing the other persons words. The listener is to tell the speaker what they heard them say, not the exact words, but the meaning of the words. And in doing so you may have to ask questions that will help you know how to respond.  And remember to always try to take “you “out of your conversation.  Such as, “What I heard is…” not, “What you said was…” In paraphrasing, you need to let the speaker know what you heard and also add what you felt the emotions were behind the message. So, look forward to learning how to use this technique and how others have learned from using it.

COMMUNICATION 

The following are some topics that I will be spending much more time working with in later lessons.  So please don’t think that I am not really addressing these issues.  They are serious and I do want these issues to become non-existent in your relationships. 

What is usually the biggest complaint from women about men? 

Men don’t listen!  I’ll never forget an example of this in my younger years of marriage. My wife had asked me something while I was watching football and also looking at the paper and she said you never listened to me. Well, I repeated word for word, what she had just said. So why did she think I was not listening? It could be because I was not giving her direct eye contact. Gentlemen, when your women are talking to you, make sure you give them direct eye contact. It shows you’re listening to them. I always told guys you might be thinking of something else but at least look at her when she’s talking so she believes you’re actually listening. But seriously, yes, give her direct eye contact and let her know that what she has to say is important enough for you to give her your attention. 

Three most common mistakes women make. 

1. She will try to improve his behavior or help him with unsolicited advice. 

1. She will not acknowledge what he does for her but will complain about what he hasn’t done.  This will make him feel unappreciated and taken for granted. 

1. She will correct his behavior and tell him what to do as if he were a child. 

Now let’s look at how you can work on these mistakes. 

When it comes to trying to improve his behavior, I found it amazing that a lot of women would tell me that their husbands really didn’t act the way they wanted them to when they were dating. But they believed that they would love them so much when they are married, that when they give them advice on how to change their behavior, they’re going to listen to them. 

A good example of this was when I was counseling a woman who was saying her husband was hitting her.  I asked her if he did this while they were dating, and she said yes but he promised he would stop once they were married. Ladies don’t ever believe you will change him once you’re married.  If he has qualities, you don’t like when you’re dating, stop dating him and don’t even think of marrying him. 

And as for giving advice, and this goes for both women and men, Never Give  

Advice Unless It Is Asked For! 

No one likes to feel unappreciated. And that goes both ways too.  Always look for ways to show the other person how much you appreciate them and what they do to strengthen the marriage.   

Almost all men do not want to marry their mother.  In other words, don’t go around telling them how to act and correcting them as you would a child. 

Three most common mistakes men make. 

1. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children and work more important than her. 

1. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him.  

1. After listening to her, he says nothing or just walks away. 

One of the things you really need to know is this, next to God being the most important relationship you should have, your wife is your next priority.  Much more to say in other lessons on communication.  

This mistake, number two, happens because he does not know how to communicate and by attacking you, he will know you have to withdraw to defend yourself. He’s hoping you will decide that communication is hopeless, and you will not continue the conversation. 

And mistake three, also goes with someone who has no idea of how to communicate. 

Now I want to share a few more topics that I will be discussing in more detail in future lessons. 

Always use direct eye contact. 

Communicate your feelings. 

Eliminate you statements. In other words, try to take the word you out of your vocabulary when you’re talking to someone. Usually when you use it in a communication, it’s like pointing a finger at the person, such as, you never do this, you’re always wrong. You, you, you, take it out of your vocabulary and learn to express your feelings. 

Take the words, I’m sorry out of your vocabulary and replace them with, will you forgive me? 

Never give advice unless it’s asked for. 

Listen without cutting in or arguing. 

Use ‘I feel’ statements. 

Understand that often what you say is not what the other person hears. 

Always use direct eye contact. 

Admitting a weakness is a strength. 

Give her your shoulder, not your mouth. 

Don’t demand share how you feel. 

Take time outs and conversation, but make sure you set a time to come back together. 

Don’t just tell him the problem suggests solutions. 

One verbal negative can wipe out the effects of five or even 20 positives. 

Be a teammate and not an enemy. 

This list represents some of the many things we’re going to be talking about in the days ahead. So please come back, look for the ones that you need to be paying attention to in your relationship. And then share these with other people. Thank you. God bless. 

If you are really wanting to develop good communication skills, there are some things you need to know that will hinder and/or destroy your ability to communicate in a way that the other person will be able to receive your message.  Let’s look at some of the things you need to avoid. 

DEMANDING VS REQUESTING. 

There will be times you will need to request something you need.  But when your request turns into a demand, you have now let the other person know that you don’t care how he or she feels. Your demand has just cut off communication lines.  A demand is no longer asking if the person can meet your need, but you are telling them that they have no right to refuse you.  Communication has ended and major withdrawals from the love bank has taken place. 

Demands also make it less likely that the other person will ever want to meet that need. If you force them to meet the demand now, you are giving a strong signal that you’re unconcerned about their feelings or concerns.  And if you’re going to be self-centered in this request, what other areas will you abuse them next. 

A wiser approach would be to ask, ‘I’m really needing help with a situation I’m dealing with and I could really use your help.  Do you have time now or when would be a good time for you to help me?” This approach shows you desire help from them and also allows them to help when it is convenient.   

Make sure your request has a set time, for whatever it is, to be completed.  If not specific, their idea of helping could be days later.  And the request needs to be specific.  For instance, if you just ask for help around the house, the other person may not be able to help if it is something they have no knowledge about.  And the person receiving the request, needs to be specific as to why they may need to wait to help.   

 

DISRESPECT 

I have never met anyone who enjoyed being disrespected. This is one way to shut down all healthy communication.  And some people seem to be unaware of how they can disrespect others.  Something as simple as rolling your eyes to a statement, can destroy any further communication for the evening.   

What if you don’t respect the other person opinion?  You can state your opinion without being disrespectful.  And first, tell the other person what you just heard them say to make sure you heard what they were saying. Then clearly state why you believe what you do.  There will be many times you will disagree with others, but you can agree to disagree.  Never say anything that’s disrespectful. 

Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  

Attacking a person’s thoughts, opinions or character is uncalled for.  That includes your response to someone who has just attacked you verbally.  Never allow anyone to cause you to respond in a disrespectful way.  You are in charge of y our response and it should come from a heart of love, not destruction. If you need to, tell them you need to take a time out before you continue the conversation. Never give anyone the power over your words or feelings. 

When you respond in the same manner as the person treated you, you are now escalating the situation. And escalation can often lead to very serious negative consequences.  And often both individuals may feel sorry for their actions and words later, but they may never be forgotten.  And a time out is wise before escalation leads to destructive consequences. And this is a good time to ask yourself if this conversation will be putting deposits in the other persons ‘love bank’ or making withdrawals that could destroy the relationship. 

 

ANGER 

Anger is always intended to be hurtful.  Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” And in Ephesians 4:26 we read, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” One author says that when people are angry, they are experiencing temporary insanity.  Angry outbursts have no place in anyone’s life.  And this is especially true in a marriage.  Your spouse deserves a relationship of protection, care and love. 

Too often, people will respond to anger by withdrawing emotionally or physically.  No further healthy communication will take place. 

 

BRINGING UP THE PAST 

One of the greatest mistakes you can do is to keep bringing up a hurt from the past.  If you have dealt with the past and have forgiven the other person for the pain you experienced, you should never bring it up again.  You should have learned from it and now you will go on. Once God has forgiven us, He never brings it up again.  The Bible says there is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  It is not your job to play the ‘blame game’ or to keep reminding the other person of how much they hurt you.  Get help!  Find someone to help you deal with the pain and ask God to help you with a spirit of forgiveness.  Most people I have worked with are sincerely heartbroken over their mistake or sin that has caused pain. 

In our next time together, we will be looking at a technique to help us develop strong communication.  This technique is found in a book titled, “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg.  I highly recommend that you buy this book as it is a great tool to enhance your marriage. 

No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission. 

Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be. 

Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently. 

Whatever you’re willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have. 

Success stops when you do. 

When your ship comes in… make sure you are willing to unload it. 

You will never” have it all together.” 

Life is a journey… not a destination. Enjoy the trip! 

The biggest lie on the planet: “When I get what I want, I will be happy.” 

The best way to escape your problem, is to solve it. 

I’ve learned that ultimately ‘takers’ lose and ‘givers’ win. 

Life’s precious moments don’t have value, unless they are shared. 

If you don’t start, it’s certain you won’t arrive. 

We often fear the things we want the most. 

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say! 

Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints. 

Look for opportunities… not guarantees. 

Life is what is coming… not what was. 

Success is getting up, one more time. 

Now, is the most interesting time of all.  

When things go wrong… don’t go with them. 

Sometimes, the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. 

God can mend all broken hearts… you just have to give him all the pieces. 

A person who asked a question might seem to be a fool for 5 minutes, but a person who doesn’t ask, is a fool forever. 

A best friend is like a 4 leaf clover… hard to find, and lucky to have. 

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart. 

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. 

Eyes are placed in front, because it is more important to look ahead than to look behind. 

By J Douglas

Her Diary: 

Dear diary, tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say,” I love you too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep- I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.  

His Diary: 

 Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure out why. 

I have had so many women ask, “Why won’t my husband talk to me?”  And one answer is, men do not seem to have as great a need for conversation as women do. Women can enjoy conversation, just for conversations sake.  They can spend hours just talking to friends or family.  While men rarely call each other just to talk. 

I remember the many fishing trips I’ve taken with another guy and when I got home, my wife asked me what we talked about or how is his wife. I never went on the trip to find out how his wife was and talking does not catch fish. We could ride for hours and not say more than 10 words. And once we arrived at the fishing hole, we only talked about who caught the first fish, who would catch the most and the biggest. 

Women often wonder why, when they were dating, the guy would talk to them about their life and their family.  Probably because he wanted to get to know her.  And finding out about her family, is important in knowing more about her background and understanding more about her programming. Also, the more he knows about her, the more he will learn about how to attract her. 

Then they get married! Now, this is not always true but, once he has convinced her to marry him and they get married, he doesn’t seem to need the conversation time with her.  He set out to win her, or maybe in an unconscious way, to conquer the prize he wanted and now that they are married, he doesn’t have to work on it anymore. Now he is looking for a new prize to gain or capture.  Often this will be his career, a hobby or something to save money for, like a boat, car or a new set of golf clubs. 

He fails to understand that his willingness to spend time, in intimate conversation, was a major reason she became so attracted to him. With this now removed from her daily life, he is making withdrawals from her love bank (see podcast on love bank). And he has no idea that he is risking losing her love.  And also, he is not realizing that he is making her very vulnerable to a guy who is willing to spend time in conversation with her. And while that relationship just starts with conversation, it may lead to an affair. 

Because females are relational creatures, they want to spend their life with a man who cares deeply about her and for her. They want to be known by him and to know him.  That only comes in time through intimate conversation. And it doesn’t stop after marriage.  It must be a daily.  

Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, says to find out how much time a couple should spend together in intimate conversation, he did a study with couples who were in love.  He worked with couples who were dating, couples who had maintained romantic love while married and couples having affairs. For those who maintained their love for each other, they scheduled time to be together almost every day. And the time spent each week was almost always over fifteen hours.  And the primary purpose of that time was to engage in intimate conversation. 

Now I know what you’re thinking.  With your schedule, that is impossible. And most women would be happy for her husband to spend 10 minutes a day.  But guys, how much time did you spend giving your wives undivided attention when you were dating? And ladies, if you married a guy that never gave you undivided attention while you were dating, then why did you marry him? 

And both men and women need to look at the time they spend in other activities and decide what their priorities are.  You should always be asking the question, “Is what I do or say putting deposits in the Love Bank account or making withdrawals?”  The undivided time you gave each other while dating, was making deposits into each other’s Love Bank accounts.  How can you continue building those accounts? 

For those who decide they don’t have the time to spend with each other, they risk losing their feeling of love for each other. When the woman no longer senses her husband’s care to give her the intimacy, she needs in communication and affection, she will lose all desire to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. 

So, men, just as sexual fulfillment is a need and not just a desire, you must understand that a women’s need for intimate conversation is also a need and not just a desire. 

We will continue our information on communication next time as we look at heading into the ‘danger zone’.  By J Douglas

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average about 15,000 words a day, whereas woman use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women used twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, “What?” 

I haven’t read some authors that agree that women speak twice as many words a day as men and I’ve read some authors that say they all speak exactly the same amount. So, I’ll let you decide how that is in your relationship, but we’re going to talk about this. 

Many of the men I worked with have told me, if we use the numbers in the story above, that they use about 14,999 words at work.  And their words have to do with talking about work or other things dealing with sporting activities.  When they get home, they have one word left.   

For the woman, she’s used to about 15,000 words at work and comes home with about 15,000 more words to use. In the early days of their marriage, she can’t wait till her husband comes home and they can talk about their day. She wants to hear what he did, what was going on in his job and she’s hoping he will ask about hers because she wants to talk about her day and everything that’s gone on with her. So, let’s say she comes home from work before he does, and when he comes in the door, her first question may be, “Hey honey how was your day?”.  If you look at the numbers that he’s already used, he has about one word left. So instead of talking about his day, he will say something like’ fine’. So she may ask another question about how his day went and he will say okay. She asks about somebody he works with; you know how he’s doing, and the husband will probably say he’s doing OK. And there’s really not much conversation coming from the husband. 

 Now this could create a problem with the wife thinking,” God, why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Why doesn’t he want to share his work with me? Why do I have to try to get conversation out of him?”  

 I’ve also read that one of the things a husband should do when he first gets home, is to go off to his cave. He needs about 15 or 20 minutes of either doing nothing or reading the paper or something just to unwind from work. And again, especially in the early years of the marriage, a wife can’t wait to see him so this creates a problem. 

Ladies know that, to get acquainted with other people, you have to spend time with them and communicate with them. In the early times of dating, the lady and the guy have spent a lot of time talking, whether it’s over the phone, or it’s texting, or it’s just going out to get a coffee or something just to spend time together. So now she’s wondering what happened to those times that they spent so much time together. Now they’re married and he seems to not have time for her anymore or just doesn’t seem to communicate with her anymore. What’s the problem?  

 When they were dating, they never seemed to find enough time to be together but now that they’re married, he just doesn’t seem to want to spend time with her. A man needs to realize that a woman can feel less important just by comparing the amount of time her husband spends with her to the time he spends elsewhere. In this day and age, it’s amazing how important the computer seems to be or the games of the computer seem to be to the guy versus time with his wife. This is a problem! 

 I know of one individual, where as soon as you get home, he went straight to his room and played on the computer for hours. The wife really got tired of him never having time for her.  When the wife came in for counseling, she told me that her needs for time and affection were not being met. So, when her husband was spending so much time in the computer room, she had gotten more involved with the neighbor. And they were actually in the living room of her home, when her husband was home, having an affair. It sad that she knew that her husband would spend so much time, in his own house with her there, that he’d never come out and see what she was doing. 

Intimate conversation happens when you take time to be together. It can take place after you put your kids to bed. It can take place by going out and having a date night, maybe once a week. Or it’s just the two of you asking about the goals that each other has and you talking about the dreams you have together. For the empty nesters, it may be trying to figure out how to get along with each other now that you have no kids at home. It’s spending that time listening to the heart of the other person, becoming so much a part of that other person.  

Here’s some little thoughts of wisdom that go along with this. Guys, give her your shoulders not your mouth. What I mean by this, it’s amazing how we guys want to be fixers when our ladies come to us.  When we talk about an issue or a problem she’s dealing with at work or at home with a family, we want to hurry up and fix the problem for her. And you know there’s so many times that before she even finishes telling us what the problem or situation is, we’re already giving her solutions. We’ve already quit listening which comes to the important part. She needs us to listen when she’s talking. We need to give her direct eye contact. She wants to know that we’re paying attention to what she’s saying. And we might even find ways to repeat back what we’ve heard. To say,” Honey is this what you’re telling me? This is what I heard.” At which time, it allows her to say,” Well, let me explain it a little bit better.” Or she may say, “Yes honey that’s what I’m saying.” and it means so much for her to know that you are listening and understanding. You’re not just hearing the words but you’re understanding her heart. 

 And just a few other more updates of wisdom. Guys, sarcasm is not a good thing to use with your lady. We can use it with other guys all the time and it’s fun, it’s cute, but using it with the lady is not a good thing to do. Because she will hear it as putting her down or telling her that you don’t think much of her, and that is not healthy. 

 And if you’ve really done something that’s hurt her, let me tell you one phrase to get rid of in your vocabulary. That phrase is, “I’m sorry”.  My first response would be yes you are.  What that phrase is asking for is absolutely nothing. It’s just making you feel better that you finally confessed to something or you feel sorry about something you’ve done but that’s not asking for a response from the other person. When you’ve really done something to hurt her, the first words from your mouth needs to be, “Will you forgive me.” At that point you’re asking for a response from her and you’re also going to find out just how much you may have hurt her by her response. And her response may be, “I’m not ready to forgive you yet.” And instead of telling her, “Well you should forgive me.” You need to say, okay when you’re ready please tell me so we can talk about it. 

Let her know you honor her. That’s she is the most valuable person in your life. And, while your words are not enough, because they must be supported with action, your willingness to communicate your heart is what she needs.  By J Douglas

We’re going to be talking about the importance of communication for a female. To start it, I want to share a story with you to again give you an idea of just how totally different men and women are when it comes to communication’ 

Keywords and their meaning. 

FINE 

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel that we are right about but need to shut up.  Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 

This is half an hour. it is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade. 

NOTHING 

This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) 

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”. 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft “Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 

OH 

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window. But do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. “0h” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go Ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them. 

THAT’S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” it’s often used with the word “Fine’ and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned, you’re going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”. 

THANKS 

A woman is thinking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different than “Thanks”.  A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh’ as she will only tell you “Nothing”. 

Now that you enjoyed how different we may define words in our communications, let’s see why intimate conversation is important to women. 

A good place to start, is looking at some of the emotional differences between men and women. Women tend to be more personal than men. And they have a deeper interest in people and feelings and in building relationships. Men are often more preoccupied with things that can be understood through logical deduction. And guys love to be involved in conqueror-oriented activities, wanting to compete for dominance whether it’s in the work area or on the sports field. Guys love things like football, boxing, hockey, fishing and hunting.  They talk about how their team is the best, their fish is the largest and their animal was mounted because it was so big. There’re a few women who love this kind of stuff but why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? I mean there’s not a lot of personal relationships taking place in the boxing match. Women love reading the books that have to do with the relationships. It’s usually women who have a greater love for God and the relationships she can develop with other women. Men don’t seem too interested in building intimate relationships with women or with other men.  

If she is more personal and is relationship centered, how does she develop the relationships?  She takes time to know people and that mostly takes place through communication. Women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them. 

Let me give you an example.  Have you ever invited friends over without first asking your wife? I will never forget when I made that mistake early in my life.  You would have thought I had insulted her and attempted to make her look bad in front of the guest.  What I didn’t understand at the time, was that her house was such a part of who she was, and since I didn’t give her time to clean house, she was afraid they would think less of her as a person. And of course, to try to defend myself, I said, “They just came over to spend time with us. They didn’t come to look at the house”.  I had no idea how much her home was a part of her.   

And along this same line, and I will close with this, until our next time together on this subject, I made another mistake when we were getting ready to move.  My family was a military family which meant we moved often. And to me, a move was just a move.  No attachment to what I was leaving behind. 

Well, I learned that a female may have to move but she also is dealing with what she is leaving behind.  I came home one day after work to find my wife crying. Ok, I do know moving is harder for some than for others, so I asked what had her upset.  The response was not what I expected.  She said, “The curtains in the living room probably won’t fit the windows in the house we end up living in”.  And being a guy, I said we would just buy new curtains.  But everything in our house had become a part of who she was. 

Women become an intimate part of the things and people who are important to her.  And that is especially true of communication.  Look for part two of communication, coming out soon. 

By J Douglas

A young man learns what’s most important in life from the guy next door. 

 It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girl’s, career and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing can stop him. 

 Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr Belzer died last night. The funeral’s Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old news reel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days, 

 “Jack did you hear me?” 

 “Oh, sorry mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago.” Jack said. 

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him, he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence’ as he put it,” Mom told him. 

 “I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said. “You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belzer stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said. 

 “He’s the one who taught me carpentry. I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” 

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mister Belzer’s funeral was small and uneventful’ He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. 

 The night before he had to return home, Jack and his mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. 

 Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture. Then Jack stopped suddenly. 

 “What’s wrong Jack?” his mom asked. “The box is gone,” he said. “What box?” mom asked. “There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk I must have asked him 1000 times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most.” 

 Well, it was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belzer family had taken it. “Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.” 

 It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belzer died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read. 

 Early the next day, Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed 100 years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. 

 Mr. Harold Belzer, it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside. 

“Upon my death, please forward this box in its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. 

 Inside he found these words engraved: “Jack, thanks for your time! Harold Belzer.” 

 “The thing he valued most… was …my time.”  

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. “Why?” his assistant asked. “I need some time to spend with my son,” he said. “Oh, by the way, Janet… thanks for your time!” 

 Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. 

 Have a good day. And thank you for your time.  By J Douglas

If you just finished reading part one of A Man’s Greatest Need, you know we’re going to be talking about the stages of sexual experience.  And most men I know, would say, “What do you mean stages?  I thought there was only one”.  Let’s look at the stages that are important for a meaningful sexual experience. 

The first stage is willingness. now for the husband, his willingness is usually motivated by his sexual desire. for the wife, it’s motivated by her emotional connection to him. Men seem to have a desire for sex often because of their relatively high levels of testosterone. Most wives would say that sex is almost all they ever think about. And many men would say they do have many thoughts daily.  Women can also crave sex, but usually only once or twice a month. 

I have often mentioned that a man is turned on by sight.  That’s why, after almost no showing of affection to his wife, he can be ready for sex just watching her shower.  And this often makes her feel unappreciated and only his sex toy. Women are willing to have sex with her husband as a means to show him her appreciation for him meeting her needs for affection. She is willing to meet his needs if she is expecting to enjoy a time of lovemaking and not just sex.  

Arousal is the second stage.  As I said earlier, men are turned on by sight. That’s why men are the ones who buy the magazines, calendars, videos, and spend time on their computers, looking at nude women.  Men are like light switches; they can be turned off one second and turned on the next.  Arousal comes easily and may happen many times a day. And while most of his responses are from visual responses, they can also come from daydreaming or night dreaming. 

Women may often get upset when they notice their man looking at another woman.  They need to understand that he is not being promiscuous or unfaithful.  Often, he doesn’t realize it.  But to this natural tendency, I also try to convince men to be sensitive to their wife’s and how they are feeling seeing his actions.  I’ve also worked with women who don’t mind them looking because they are secure in their skin and know their husband wants them more than anyone else. So, know how each of you feel about looking at the opposite sex.  Because this does go both ways.  While women may enjoy looking at a nice male body, she is usually appreciating looking without getting aroused. 

Some women do not understand men’s reactions to looking at women because her arousal usually does not come from visual stimulation.  I have often counseled men that when they are getting out of the shower, it will probably do nothing to arouse their spouse. His arousal can be immediate while hers is more a conscious decision.  If she wants to enjoy love making, she will encourage him to touch her in ways that lead to arousal. And she will be more responsive to intercourse when he has taken the time to bring her to arousal.  If she is not sure what her body needs for arousal, he needs to be very caring and responsive to her request to have him help her learn.  Don’t expect her to want and enjoy the same things you do.  Take time to learn from each other. This time together is so much more than sex.  It is a time of becoming one in so many ways. 

The third stage is plateau and reaching this is also different for both men and women. Most men can reach this stage quickly and with little stimulation while a woman needs more stimulation.  This is often a serious sexual problem for the couple. Men can come to climax too soon leaving the woman with needs going unmet.  Although I have heard men lie about how many climaxes they can achieve in a short time, a women’s body is capable of enjoying many in a very short time.  Men need to learn this, and they need to realize that bringing her to climax first, does not mean she cannot achieve it again immediately.  A sensitive man, caring for his wife’s needs, will make sure her needs are met before his if that is what is needed.  And if this remains a problem in the relationship, find a counselor that can help explain in more detail.  Or read a good book on the subject.  His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, is one such book. 

The fourth stage is the climax.  While most would consider this the ultimate goal for both partners, it doesn’t always turn out that way. Anxiety is often associated with this stage because one of the persons may have performance fear.  Pleasure should be the outcome of the sexual relation, and not performance.  Too often, a spouse may have heard the other person talk about previous partners and experiences and they do not believe they can live up to the other persons skills.  And one of the partners may only want to please the other, making the other wonder if they are not good enough to perform. This is where true communication must take place.  Before you begin the lovemaking, talk about what you are wanting in the outcome. A good sexual relationship will make sure that each have enjoyed the time together. 

And recovery is the final stage.  Too often this stage is skipped or never known to be a stage.  I have heard from women that the husband either falls to sleep almost immediately or they go back to their tv or computer games.   

This is a time for both partners to enjoy being in each other’s arms, sharing how much the time together meant to them.  Maybe talking about something they are looking forward to, or just being silent.  It’s an important time of affection for the female.  

Learn what your spouse’s needs are and then meet them the way they need to have them met. 

By J Douglas